The Seven Sexy Sins
by Yuniz
Summary: The Homunculi need money. So what do they do? They dabble in the seedy underbelly of society, seedier than anything they have done before. Crack. M for Mention of mature stuff.
1. Father Is Pissed

It was a cool crisp evening in Central, a perfect night for lying on your back and looking up at the stars, contemplating your existence. It was a beautiful twilight, though Father and the Homunculi were not witnessing this transient wonder. They were underground, in Father's lair, and they were bickering like common bitches...even the great Father couldn't stop them.

"For the last time, why did you dip into my private funds to go on a miniskirt shopping spree!" Lust yelled at Envy, throwing a priceless vase in his direction.

The cross-dressing palm tree ducked, and the ceramic piece hit Sloth, who was oblivious to it. "Well, excuse me, Ultimate Lance, or should I say Ultimate Bitch,"

Lust let out a garbled scream of rage and proceeded to attack Envy with all her strength.

Meanwhile, Gluttony was eating up Greed's private stash of cupcakes and adult magazines. Greed had on a strange expression - it looked like he was half crying and half exploding in rage.

"GLUTTONY, YOU EAT TOO MUCH!" He cried, dabbing at his eyes with a silk handkerchief. "NO, NO, NO, GET AWAY FROM THAT! IT'S A FIRST EDITION AND IT'S ALL MINE!"

Off in a corner, Wrath was lecturing Pride.

"You didn't clean your room, you came back from school with a C, and you couldn't manage to kill your mother. I'm ashamed to call you my son, and even though you aren't my real son, I will call you my son anyways, because that single reason will allow me to scold you until you become a pitiful emo cutter-"

"Fuck off, pops," said Pride. "Anyways, it just so happens that Mom warms my bedtime milk up just right, and I wouldn't kill her for all the warm milk in the world,"

Wrath seethed in anger. All the veins in his face popped out, causing his eye-patch to pop off. He glared at Pride, his urge to kill becoming greater by the second.

Seated on his throne, Father watched and became angrier by the moment. There certainly was a feeling of wrath in the environment. All his hoes were not doing his bidding, and that fact made him very, very mad.

"ALL OF YOU!" He suddenly screamed, his throat becoming hoarse from the effort. The room became quiet instantly, and all seven Homunculi turned to look at their creator.

"Now, there's a little problem," said Father, wearing an smile that bordered on the brink of insanity. "We have no money,"

The room burst back into chaos, with six-way conversations going on. Sloth picked his nose, still calm.

"QUIET!" yelled Father, and everyone was brought back to attention. "We've tried to save money, but it never works. You idiots manage to spend faster than you save, it's a wonder we're not up to our ears in debt," He stared down all the Homunculi, who whimpered in succession as they fell under the piercing gaze.

"So, I have a idea," He continued. "Since all of our innocent and PG ways of earning money have failed miserably, I think we should take a different route. All of you...will become prostitutes, working the streets and at the strip club I run,"

"You run a strip club?" asked Pride, his childlike innocence dissolving faster than Alka-Seltzer.

"Duh," Father turned back to the others. "So. You all will need to come up with code-names, lest there are big mouthed people who live only to spread gossip. It'll be better for you anyways, I'm sure that you wouldn't want such promiscuous talk being spread about you,"

He consulted his Homunculus time telling powers. "There are 18 more hours until I open up my strip club for tonight. You have that amount of time to come up with code-names and learn the basics of prostitution. A lot can be learned on the job, so take every minute of customer service as a learning opportunity. Get to it!" Father used his Philosopher's Stone to disappear into the ground, and then the room was silent.

"OMG WTF" were the first words that broke the silence. "People drink beer and man milk at strip clubs, and that stuff might get on my miniskirt!"

"Shut up, Envy," said Lust, examining her fingernails.

"Ah, there'll be a lot of women at these strip club places, and you know I always want more women," mused Greed.

"And it says in the official military Code of Conduct handbook that soldiers aren't allowed to go to strip clubs on weekdays...maybe I can weed out a couple of the malefactors and pwn them," exclaimed Wrath.

"Man milk?" Gluttony suddenly said, feeling his tongue tingle at the very words.

"Hmmm, I can't wait to tell my classmates about this, and I haven't even done anything of that sort yet,"

"...so troublesome,"

Lust ignored Sloth. "Father's been a jerk sometimes, but I think this will be pretty fun. Is everyone in?"

"Yeah,"

"Yup,"

"Uh huh,"

"Totally,"

"Yes,"

"...sleepy,"

The homunculi arranged themselves into a circle and brought their hands into the center. With a cheer, they threw their arms up, and the unofficial agreement had been sealed.

"Now, for names," All seven assumed the "Thinker" pose, and began to root around in their heads for names that would suit the purpose they were meant to fill.

* * *

AN: Yeah, I've never been to a strip club...so the following chapters shall document a strip club of overblown stereotypical proportions. OK? OK. And this story is crack. Ultra Deluxe Crack. You might have figured that out by now.


	2. One Million Cenz

Father looked at the seven sins in front of him, then down at the sheet of paper in his hands. He began to read.

* * *

Lust: Lust

Envy: Transvestite Palm Tree

Greed: McSexy

Gluttony: Big Love

Pride: Legal

Wrath: Sugar Daddy

Sloth:

* * *

"Very good, very good, but...what about Sloth?" He turned his steely gaze onto the lazy homunculus.

"Too troublesome," was Sloth's explanation. The others exchanged nervous glances, fearing Father's imminent wrath.

Sure enough, the imminent wrath came.

"GGGRRREEEAAARRRRRRGGGHH~!"

"Not fair!" cried Wrath. "That was my line!" He began to sob like a baby. Pride punched him in the face, effectively shutting up Wrath.

Father calmed down a little. But not that much. "My son, do pray tell why you do not follow my divine law and decree," He said, hiding his rage behind eloquent words.

"Too troublesome,"

"Why is that?"

"Too troublesome,"

"Could you elaborate?"

"Too troublesome,"

Now, Father hadn't realized yet that he had just dug himself into a deep hole of circular reasoning. He didn't have any idea of how vain his efforts were, nor did he even think of the possibility that after this argument, he might become brain-dead. Well...the possibility existed in his mind as a premature fledgling, at least. Nevertheless, he continued talking with Sloth.

"Looky here, I am your Father, and I will just give you a name if you're too lazy to think of one yourself!"

"...okay,"

Thus, from that point on, Dumb Bitch was born.

* * *

The strip club was due to open its doors in ten minutes. Father stood in front of his hoes for a quick pep talk.

"A little alcohol is okay, so long as you collect payment and don't make a fool of yourself. Don't worry about waiting-get straight to business. Here at G Complex, we work quickly and efficiently,-"

"What about 'man milk'?" Gluttony interrupted Father.

Father stared incomprehensibly at Gluttony for what seemed like an hour. "I have no idea what you're talking about,"

A distant bell sounded, and Father jumped. "It's time! Get into place and I'll open this up for the night," As he headed to the main entrance, the sins 'got into place', which mainly entailed wandering around and mingling with the other employees.

"You lied to me!" Gluttony confronted Envy. "You told me there would be man milk! Where is it?"

Envy laughed. "You'll find out soon enough,"

Gluttony was about to eat Envy, but a group of flamboyantly gay men came giggling in, and alas, he couldn't. Instead, he settled for a mean look, and stalked off in personal triumph.

Greed smiled. This was going very well. Several women had paid him just to sit with them, throw an arm over their shoulder, and blow cigarette smoke into their face. After setting a 30 second time limit on each customer, he had made an easy million cenz.

"McSexy~" One troglodytic woman sighed in passion. "I would let you do me,"

"Well...the only thing that's stopping you is your purse," Greed suggested, not trying to hide his greed.

But it appeared that she hadn't quite comprehended. "Eh?" She held up her faux leopard fur satchel. "This is in the way?"

"I'm afraid so," Greed decided to roll with it. "Just give it to me and we can get on wit teh luvin',"

"Oh!" She gasped femininely, and handed it to Greed. He tucked it into an inside pocket of his vest and proceeded to have yummy sex with her.

* * *

Lust stood in a dark corner, dryly scanning the club's activity. According to the latest adult magazines in Central, G Complex was supposed to be one of the hottest adult nightclubs in the area.

Well, she had one question. If it was so goddamn good, then why wasn't anyone demanding her services? After all, a strip club wasn't a strip club without the element of lust.

A dashing gentleman, complete with top hat and cane, passed by without even noticing Lust. She pouted, but that did nothing to ease her pathetic mood.

"Now, who would this pretty lady be?"

Startled, Lust looked up to see who was addressing her.

"Scar? Aren't you on the run?"

Scar quickly hushed her. "I am on the run, so it would be best if you address me as the sexy hobo, Sexy Hobo, hobo of sexy, or any variation of that,"

Lust nodded. "Sexy Hobo, what are you doing here? You need to go somewhere safe!" She had never said this to anyone, but she had a hotly intense crush on Scar. She had been head over heels in love with him ever since they first met in Aspiring Villian's Academy. So naturally, it was her instinct to protect him.

"I was going to a hideout for national alchemist pwners, but I passed by this fine establishment and I had the feeling you would be here...I just had to see your lovely face one more time," Scar caressed Lust's cheek, and she made no effort to stop him. "But I phoned ahead, and the guy in charge of the hideout says that heterosexual relations are strictly forbidden at the compound...so...would you do the honors?"

"Oh, would I!" They fell onto a couch and began to fornicate like bunnies in heat.

* * *

"Damn that Mustang!" Ed seethed to himself, pushing open the doors of the strip club. "He just HAD to go and sex up every national alchemist except me!"

Now, before you get confused and angry, it is important to know that Ed truthfully didn't WANT to have buttsex with Roy Mustang. Ed was adamantly straight, and none of the slash fics involving Ed would change that. However, it was the fact that Mustang had relations with all the national alchemists, every single one, even those that were dead...but he had skipped over Ed. The Shrimp Alchemist did not respond well to exclusion. So now, he was on this rampage throughout the seedier corners of Central, and nothing could stop him.

"Brother?" Al said nervously, tagging along behind Ed. "Why do I have to come with you?"

"You're my wingman," Ed replied in a heartbeat. "You have to watch out for pedophiles that might make a move on me. Also, you have to get me drinks, charged to your own credit card,"

"But I don't have a credit card!"

"Too bad, so sad," They made their way to a leopard print vinyl couch in front of a stripper stage. Ed watched the pole dancer with disinterest.

"Hey, you!" He yelled to the performer. "You suck!"

She flipped her green hair and gave Ed a scathing look. "Could you do any better?"

Suddenly, time slowed down. Ed and the pole dancer gave each other a long look of shock.

"ENVY?"

"FULLMETAL SHRIMP?"

* * *

AN: The other Homunculi will definitely make appearances...;) And it seems I've gotten into the habit of calling Scar "Sexy Hobo". What fun! Also, 'G Complex' stands for 'God Complex'. You know, what Father has/had? lol, I'm so punny~


End file.
